Beneath the winterlights
by Wolfiewonk
Summary: A young men realizes that he s different and therefor has a hard time in his life. One fateful day, a few days before eve, this might finally change. Its just a try and I will update as much as I can. I only appreciate honest comments and thats pretty much the only thing that could help me doing this. Also I m from germany so, I do my very best and practice a lot so, be patien


December 27th

By the time I hade woken, I felt a bright light beaming against me, something warming up my cheeks a little.

I must have been stuck somewhere between a dream and whatever else happened around me. Shivering

at the cold air, I huddled deeper into the jacket. I must have used it as a planket at some point to warm myself up but I couldn´t quite remember taking it off though. My mp3-player had stopped already and with that, I had a slight idea how much time must have passed.

Some part of me wanted to keep the eyes shut ofcourse, sleeping a few more hours until this is all over.

I didn´t feel tired or anything but, my mind demanded it at times. Still, something else worried me by the time, even If I couldn´t put my finger on it. I had no idea where I was or how but something told me to wake up quickly. I decided to fight my way back from dreamland and opened my eyes slowly, flinching at the bright scenary around me.

There was a valley, covered in white glittering snow. I saw a few tree´s down there, half buried and all dead as it seems. A snow desert that left no clue of the original landscape itself. The wind was fighting against the windows and I saw my brother driving the car, having a hard time to keep the wheels on track.

I rembered now, how we searched the internet about renting a car up here in the mountains. There were a lot of offerings not to mention, as it was the perfect place for vacations and all that stuff. I wasn´t that good at planing trips though. There were always so many options and the car was just another example for that.

Still, my brother had a pretty good nose for these things. He had no problem to plan this trip himself and It didn´t even take an hour to get all the information we needet. Anyway, the road we picked almost led to nowhere and I didn´t expect them to clear the street for us. It would take a while to reach our destination, the place our grandmother wanted to be interred. It was the same place her husband lied, a city deep in the mountains and as I heard, they must have met here somewhere when they were younger.

Me and my brother didn´t complain and neither was it a silly dream in our eyes. We both found the idea at least unique and out of the ordinary, wich we liked but we would never say it´s romantic, even though it was.

As we passed the mountains, another, even greater valley appeared, filled with a woodland and thousands

of thick trees. The road would lead us right threw it, guiding us to a city, framed in ice, two rivers passing it.

The bridge was just ahead of us now, welcoming everyone to this labyrinth of a marvelous historic city.

Our mouths stood agape as we inspected the city, slowly driving towards the hotel. It wasn´t long anymore until christmas, meaning there was a lot of fuss going on. The winter spirit was very strong around here,

with many kids playing around, the smell of candy of what sort soever and ofcourse, laughter and singing.

We both came from a warmer region and the winter celebration in our town was just a mere shopping mile, nothing amazing to see and it wouldn´t last very long either. Still, even though we are both too old for this, me and my brother were attracted by this warmhearted place, felling sorry for having no time for fun.

We figured that the family must have scattered around the city since, we were alone in our hotel. After bringing our stuff in the room, I laid down on my bed and we were both pretty exhausted. We shared the room but it was seperated into two, if we closed the passage in the middle that is. Both of us were unsure about what to do now. After all, grandma died not long ago but our family was none that would speak very much, not about feelings. Though, there was still a way to celebrate her life, an appropriate way in our sense.

We sat on my bed, ordering some booze and would talk the rest of the night. We still had the next day off and drink after drink, we began to remember the old lady a little more. We hardly talked to her or visited for that matter. Sometimes, I wonder why we are such a cold family but then again, me and him knew the answer. He immediately used this thought against me, asking me out about the long time we haven´t seen each other. Even if it was just by asking how I´ve been.

I made my hand wander around my face, feeling hot already. _How I´ve been?_ I sighed a little, still unsure what to say. There was only one truth in my head, one simple fact I could tell. My life still hasn´t changed in all these years.

_Do you fell cursed sometimes? _I threw the question right back at him, knowing he wouldn´t like it. He placed his hand upon mine, holding it tight like noone else would. You hardly see anyone speaking with more then just words. _You should´ve done something by now! I don´t see your life ... where is it?_

It was piercing as ever, his tough love and I knew he just cared for me but still, it hurts everytime.

I grabbed the bottle for yet another big swig, trying not to cry. We always had this conversation whenever we met, even everyday when he was still in town. I just wanted to spent time with him but he won´t let me off that easily. Damn it all, I talk like this pathetic state in wich I am is really ... myself.

I placed the bottle back on the table. He began to look at me in brotherly concern, a look he wore all so often. He saw how much I drank with one sip and he was sure at this point, that I had issues. Back then, he often teased me because I wasn´t much of a drinker. This time however, I was far ahead.

He was the only person I really cared for but somewhere deep inside me, I wanted to punch him. Everything that happened, what still would happen! He knew it all to well. He was the brain, the one who didn´t give in and the hero of my life. All the time inspiring me and telling me that I´m good the way I am and then ...

two years ago, he just left. I know it´s his life and I shouldn´t depend on him, consuming him like a little kid, the little brother I probably am. _We went threw this shit together remember? _

_We are the same and when I can live, you can too! It´s not that hard ... just give it a try and ... _

I snapped, pushing his hands away in an instant, like I never did before. My eyes were filled with tears now, the head crimson. He did it, he breaked me once again after I ignored it all, for years! At least in my head and in my heart, my life as a victim still held it´s meaning, at least letting me believe for a happy end because I would deserve it! I felt my blood boiling and for the first time in my live, I didn´t want to lose an argument.

_WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE ... YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL_ ... It was painful and my voice breaked.

A few minutes later, I left the hotel, leaving no trail behind. He backed off as he saw the monster inside me. Good for him he did that. I knew it all to well but letting him see me further like this was not an option to me. The same had already happened with the rest of the family anyway. If I can´t control myself, I at least won´t ask them to watch.

Still, my brother was really special to me because, we were both of the same kind. If I can´t be his little brother anymore, what´s there else to live for? I brought the bottle along with me, desperately looking for some fate in this lonely night.

The whole next hour, I walked the streets, stepping into smaller and bigger footprints. The city still celebrated and I made sure to hide the bottle. Kids shouldn´t see my despair, especially not before eve.

Many families were happy at this night, looking into the shop windows, filled with numerous toys I haven´t seen in quite a while. It wasn´t the usual stuff they sold. Every toy looked like it was handmade and out of wood mostly. They were still amazed at the simplicity and didn´t mind if a plushie around here couldn´t talk.

I adjusted the pace a little, walking right behind them, taking notes in my heart. I was curious what a happy family might be like. All I ever believed in were statistics, hoping my sadness had it´s purpose.

Only a few should be sad tonight and I would gladly do the job if thats how it is.

The mass of people guided me along the old buildings, into an amazing christmas decoration. What I saw were the bright multiple colors at the end of the road. It attracted me instantly but my pace still slowed down. Somewhere at the end of the street was a christmas tree but I couldn´t figure out what I would feel when I see it. It would mean that, I´m at one of the happiest places on earth. It would also mean, that I reached a destination of some sort because, where else is there a magical place like this one? Still, I wasn´t happy.

I knew it was stupid. Not only stupid but right down ludicrous! I still couldn´t help it and moved towards the center, probably checking for a mircale that will never happen, old santa having the names wrong again. When I was finally there, I couldn´t move a muscle. It was stunning as expected! A dreamland!

There was a small lake for iceskating, many shops selling sweets and benches for everyone.

All of them watching this enourmes tree and I thought to myself, _these must grow here in the mountains_.

You could fit a whole school class under these branches and all of town was here with me to enjoy it.

Millions of lights, brightening the night up. To tell you the truth, the tree-lights only lost by an inch against the sky. Even the snow changed it´s colors whenever I placed a foot on it. Not to mention, all the presents laying underneath. I just hoped nobody will be disappointed, like I am._ I couldn´t bear that_. I thought.

The sight warmed me already weak heart. I mean just imagine, even if one of the lights gives in, there are still so many left. The tree will always shine to warm them up, anytime they wanted to. Because my life is just one in a million. It will always be like that and as long as the world is ok, why should I strive for more?

I sat on another lonely bench, looking at the sky. My family never shared these moments and quite frankly, they would never make a wish like I do. In a blink of an eye, I wished.

I wished for someone, coming out with me. Someone I can turn to in this weird night because I am all out of luck. Someone to watch the stars with me because they wander on earth tonight.

A million lights deserve just as many hearts and I, the lonely light, wouldn just need one.

Something right now told me that, even though it was the wrong time for rest, I had fallen asleep again.

I always knew it, such a wave of memories surrounding you, warming you up, can´t be real right? I wanted to let it happen anyway, see what my subconscious had to talk about since, there was nothing else waiting.

I saw many sunsets from long long ago and everytime I would wait eagerly, for yet another promising day.

All the girls I liked were there as well and how they smiled at me, at a straight loving airhead like myself.

My friends too, all the days we´ve spent together, laughing at the most ridiculous moments.

There was so much to live for, for any of us. And every new day, it was all re-told again,

constantly cherishing each moment. It almost felt like it would never end,

as long as somebody told the story of who we were, what we hoped for.

It was a time, when you only thought about beeing happy and it was granted.

The dream endet quickly and to be honest, I wished I could stay a little longer with all of them but I just can´t.

They want me to grow up and get my life straight, a few times over already. There was just no place for me to be myself and the way I thought about the world was far from heathly. It was even dangerous for some of them to even stick with me. They shouldn´t see what I see, what I will always see, every passing day.

I ripped my eyes open, recognizing the stars above again. The bench was wet for some reason, much like myself. I would have frozen to death if it wasn´t for my jacket but still, my jeans and socks were soaking wet too. The first thought that ran threw my mind was a prank by some child or even worse. Then I realized where I really was, sitting on a bench in a foreign city with snow around me and along the bench too.

The snow was probably from some house behind me. It slid down the roof and over the edge, covering me while sleeping. I was still alone and the streets were adandoned by the time. Now I had it, the christmas tree was all mine for now. They all left because, it grew colder with every passing minute. Ofcourse, the fun would wait for them until tomorrow, then they would go out and play again with their loved ones and friends.

Good for them, I don´t need it.

I felt angry. Such snow attack is pretty rare but it suits me. Just the world again, taking the sleep away from me, especially when noones there to see me. I stood up, freeing myself from the half-melted snow and grabbed my bottle. The happyness seems to run away from me again,

_Good for them! _My voice raised itself ... _IT`S ALL JUST FINE _ The bottle didn´t flew wide but at least,

it hit the tree. I walked towards it because I wasn´t finished yet, there was still this will to scream it all out.

The presents just got kicked away by me, there was nothing in it anyway! It´s just a lie like it always is!

I kicked the tree, I punched the tree, I ripped some lights down but it still wasn´t enough!

Collapsing next to it, I gave up. The bork left scrapes along my face as I embraced it and cried.

_Why ... God why can´t I be just normal, like anyone else?_

I sat down, my back against the tree. It wasn´t just a mere tree to me anymore, far beyond that. A symbol of everything I ever wanted, everything I could have had. All these years I´ve missed my friends and all the time we´ve spent together but I was unable to even call them! I didn´t want to interfere and worst of all, I didn´t want to admit! I brought disgrace and shame, not only to my family but now to my brother as well.

All the time I longed for company, ... wich I shouldn´t because, everytime I just make it worse.

The sorrow flooded my throat. I knew it all, this was all my doing! I am the one who couldn´t fit in. It was always like that! I never had an interest in anything, my life was just in my head but not out there, where it should be! I grew allergic to people and didn´t know why. I fixed my heart on my own, all by myself.

I should have asked for help but instead I declared this beeing inside ... as my own, to accept it´s ways,

to forgive myself. And now, it´s all too late. I already am what I feared most the world could even do to me.

I punched the ground with a cry, diving deeper into it, deeper into the snow. I saw no use in dying but maybe, the people around me ... are better off without someone like me. I spread my hand, feeling the cold crystals melting away between my fingers. I saw how unreal my life had become and right there,

there was something on my lips. This one line of a song I once heard but never understood it´s meaning.

_The sadness in your eyes won't go away. It becomes you, in a strange kind of way._

It was true. I am whats wrong ... I am a pest ... without any dignity!

I should´ve gone where I belong a long time ago! Wherever this cold air leads me!

I´ve fled into the dark before, outside where nobody could see me, away from people.

It was time to let it stay this way. It´s the best for everyone and ... I can take it.

Noone needs to understand me anymore, not where I go.

I washed the tears away, telling my brother farewell. Hopefully they will never find me out here, in the cold.

I brought up my last strength and managed to kneel. Every bone felt numb already but the first step ... ofcourse would be the worst, in any meaning whatsoever. I looked around as I catched my breath, spotting the boxes once more. The tree was also damaged. If I want to keep my word, I would do something about it.

I stood up, cleaning the mess that I´ve created. I threw the bottle in the trash and hung the lights up,

where they belonged. I wanted to restore christmas as it was, the way its was planned all along,

without me. Box after box, I placed the colorful sensation back to order, so the kids can keep their hopes high. The last one was right next to the tree, a beautiful one with a yellow ribbon but basicly violet.

I tried to grab it but then the box seemed to open by it´s own will. I thought, it must have been me since,

the sides were thin and all, almost falling apart by me touching it. Oddly enough, this wasn´t the case.

Putting it into words, I would probably say, something began to reach out of it. The feeling of something brushing my leg, was the first I noticed, getting stunned in the process. My hands were sweating but were still placed at the sides. I was shocked in every meaning of it. Getting a glance wouldn´t be that hard

but somehow, I couldn´t. I was frozen, unable to move or maybe just not brave enough, it was hard to tell.

_Is this some sort of small animal? Yeah, that sure must be it , what else could it be!? _

I was so confident about it that I tried to lift the box anyway, presuming it would run away and never come back again. It was then, when I actually felt the box and it´s weight. For the first time, I considered that this might not be just some animal, coming from the mountains to get a snack.

I had no idea what to do. How will it react if I even move? I waited a little longer, giving it a chance to escape but unfortunately, it didn´t. My options were running out and I decided, since I couldn´t kneel any longer like this, to lift myself slowly, letting go of the box for now. I reduced my pace, walking backwards for now but the outcome was that, step after step I eventually looked at it.

It made me jump in an heartbeat and once more, I bumped into the tree, wich hurt! I knew it was alive but it was only then, when I actually saw it, that I jumped away! My heart raced but at least I gained some distance. I was able to catch my breath for now and calm down a little, panting heavily. Finally in safety, I began to observe what was happening, with a clear mind that is. _What is it doing there!?_

All I saw was an extension, of whatever I was inside there and it looked much like a leg, now that I had a closer look. _What on earth are you!? _I shouldn´t have said that, not out loud because, it disappeared, back into the box. It was still open but was pretty dark inside, too dark to see anything. I was at least curious, what it did because, it just ignored me. My mind was blank by the time, beeing faced with this weird situation.

I thought it over and over again but this was just important. I had to confirm what I thought, what on earth it had done there. I decided to crawl up closer to where it touched the ground. After some effort, there were only a few feet left, seperating me from the spot. Then, I lifted my head to get the best view possible.

My feelings were hard to decribe at this point. A mixture of fear but mostly, pure excitement.

It was breathtaking in anyway there was! _How ... can this be? _

I wasn´t sure but hell, all I could tell you is what I believed!

The leg left an imprint, right here into the snow but, that isn´t really the point! It left not only it´s own imprint but there was my imprint too, just a feet away! It was exactly where I punched the ground!

Somewhere in my head, I couldn´t piece together what just happened but I was sure, there was no noise except for the punch. Still, how could it have known how I feel? How could that even be possible?

It was just insane to think about it and it can´t be a mircale but why does it so much look like one then!?

I crossed my legs, beeing confused and all. I sat there for several more minutes as the snow beneath slowly turned to mud due to my temperature and pressure I forced upon it. Hell, like this could still disturb me right now! Instead, I kept looking for more movement, a noise maybe or something else that could give a clue.

The box didn´t look like it was special. There was neither a name written on it or anything else that could reveal it´s identity or origins. It was just a mere box with a not so common inhabitant.

The determination grew steadily and I looked around the market a few times over. There was not a soul to see. I lifted myself and knew, if I would run away now, I would regret it deeply. This present didn´t belong to anyone, no matter how often I look around for it´s owner but there just was nobody was there? Eventually,

my body would move on it´s own. Step by step, the space between diminished itself. As the cold wind blew,

I was reminded of the imprints and made sure not to harm them. It felt rather important me right now.

I kneeled, stretching a hand out. The opening was just a small slit, barely enough to slide threw and that´s what I did, I slid threw. As I reached inside, I already felt the air, it was warm. I had to admit, I could have ripped the box open in no time but, it didn´t seem to harm me and I tried not the scare the little thing.

My hand was now one with the dark inside and I had no view on it anymore. Nothing happened at first until

a moment later, it began moving, drawing circles or something, as it felt. Honestly, ofcourse it would

be excited and I expected nothing less! I smiled a little, at the reaction.

Though, the final moment still drew closer and I had not a clue what to expect. Would it just jump out and run? Would it bite me? Or maybe, just maybe ... it won´t be scared at all? The movement got faster now,

the more I reached in. It bumped the sides a few times, jumping around widly. It brushed me now and then but this time, I had my hand as a researcher. It was warmer then I had expected but even more exciting,

it was so amazingly fluffy like, nothing else I felt before. Still, I thought I should stop since, it didn´t calm down but suddenly, it hopped right into my palm and I was shocked at first since, I had to catch it gently! It felt wonderful! It was a little more then holding a cat but the coat was obviously different. To top it off, my wrist began to tickle and I was sure, it was starting to lick me! My heart was jumped and I felt happy like, since

I don´t know when but my god it licked me! It wasn´t scared at all and only seemed to fool around with me.

It was nice to play again for once and I just couldn´t remember the last time I had fun anyways. Still, it made me all the more worried and I looked around again if the owner had arrived by now. I imagined it would be a present for some kid but that would be weird since, eve was still days away. Instead, I just felt sorry for the small pet and cursed the one who left it here, out in the cold and all alone. It was my turn to do something and even if I could get into trouble because, someone has to hand his present over with a little show,

then to hell with them!

I was determined to take it to a shelter, even if that means to return to the hotel. It was just then, when I retreated my hand, that a nose would follow. Finally, I got a glance and it turned out to look really different to what I have seen so far in my life. First, there was the nose and therefor the color of the coat, wich was purple. Actually something that would give me an heartattack if I hadn´t been stunned by something else. These enormous big eyes and the thick lashes surrounding it, made my heart melt right at the spot.

It looked adorable in many ways because, it was all half hidden behind it´s ... mane?

There was enough time to think about it later. First, I got to grab the box and then find the way back to the hotel. To be honest, I kinda lost track of where I am but I knew the direction. Knowing that the hotel kinda sticks out between everything old, I was confident to find it quickly. As I lifted to box however and after placing the first step, it began to squeal real quiet. My heart almost melt again at the vulnerability. Not yet knowing how it looked, I reached inside again, stroking what was hopefully the head, to let it calm a little more.

I´ve been walking now for half an hour again but this time, I obviously walked faster then the first time. There were still some people around the city but they only looked at the big present I held, wich was fine. There was no reason to suspect me for anything but I too found myself confrontet with a growing paranoia.

I guess, I only kept my guard up and my little guest here was a big help as well, staying silent most of the road. Over all, it seemed like my luck was back again and I was able to track down the way I had come.

Thinking about it, most of the thoughts I had today were washed away for now. I was still curious what kind of a pet it was now since, it was nothing I had seen before. There was also the thought of that scumback owner but either way, I don´t feel like getting angry right now. There is something alive in this box, a part of live and

the moment I picked it up, I devoted myself to care for it. Thats the only thing that matters right now.

The hotel infront now, I was relieved and felt more awake then ever. I walked inside, smiling in excitement but I was still dirty all over. The reception suddenly looked worried at the mud footsteps but I just walked smiling. _Well mister, that´s a huge present you carry there. For the girlfriend at home? _Girlfriend? I guess it´s a little more important then that. I knew this guy had a clue about the reason we stayed. I almost saw it in his thick white beard but it could also be the case that we told him when we checked in.

A funeral and then buying a present? How inappropriate! My I had to fix that right away!

_It´s a cake ... A huge cake!_ Now he looked even more confused but he said nothing. While going upstairs however, I called at him. _You have to move on ya know?_ It was a nasty humor but at least It was my humor. I I finally had some fun again but everything was just about to start!


End file.
